Violence against women

TED Talk by Dr Jackson Katz: Violence against women (from men's perspective)

Those in my closest circles know that recently a lot has been going on around me. I didn't want to address it in a blogpost, because I found it too personal. However Dr Jackson Katz has inspired me to speak up. It is about violence against women. And how once you start noticing it, it is everywhere. This begs the question, why is this behaviour acceptable? When the things listed below are brought up amongst my girlfriends, they can all relate. Every single one of them. This is a part of our reality. The message we normally receive is: get on with it. The message is not to men: you sir, are violent. 

There are the big crimes that go to court and the media circus ones. But it is also on a much more everyday level. It is truly remarkable, how everyday it is. I wonder, if men would experience this on a everyday basis if the problem would be so widespread. If they would live a single day experiencing what normal women don't even register anymore if things would be different. 

This subject is so big, I don't quite know where to begin. Let's break it down, one by one and start with the big ones. 


Rape:
The best example of this, is the widely recognised Stuebenville High School Rape Trial. If you have been living under a rock: two football players sexually assaulted a girl and were convicted of rape. It is obviously good that they were convicted, but what bothered me was the buzz about "the footballers' lives being ruined - you know they were on a scholarship, right?". Let's just drop a cliché on this one: If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. 

    I have recently been personally involved with a similar case. There it was the same story. Had the man been convicted, "you know, he'd be going to prison for five years, I mean, he is doing quite well for himself and that would just completely ruin his career". WTF?? Honestly? If you are not prepared to go to prison for this crime, maybe control yourself. Maybe. Try. Also, in preparation for this personal experience I started asking around, seeing if I could prepare myself from girls that had gone through a similar experience. 

    Every single case or scenario I found, same story. Man was not convicted; and a certain outrage towards the victim for accusing these 'good men' of such an heinous crime. I mean, look at them? These outstanding men would never do something like that? Oh, so you are a child or a young vulnerable adult, clearly at a disadvantage and going through the most HORRIBLE experience I have witnessed and can imagine. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. Yes, little child that has been a victim of a horrible crime going through court. You are clearly LYING. 
(I realise that such situations can arise, and the core of our justice system is innocent until proven guilty but in my opinion general mentality towards this subject is skewed, oh so skewed). 

Prejudice agains abortion: 
I only have one sentence to say about this: If it's not you, you can't judge. I have friends (yes, more than one) that have gone through this awful experience. This is the biggest taboo subject I can think of. Slight mention of the topic gets people more worked up than any religious or race issues. This again, is one of these things - once you hear about one, you start hearing stories from more and more women. 

   I am not going to say anything about this, other then: if it's not you, you can't judge. No one I have ever heard of, takes this lightly. This is a very serious act that involves people's deepest beliefs and involves a forever responsibility of other people's lives. Either way, lives have been changed permanently. So if it's not you, you can't judge. 

    And by all means, don't pass judgements based on someone that has or hasn't had an abortion. Hostility or prejudice on this matter is abuse, and it is abuse against women. Have you heard anyone judge a man who impregnated someone who had an abortion. Seriously? Was the hostility towards the man? Well, I haven't. So this qualifies (too) easily as violence against women. 

Relationship Abuse: 
The way I have seen this, is very one-way (I know it exists both ways though). A man that treats the woman he supposedly loves more than anything else, badly. I purposely didn't make the title of this domestic violence. Mainly because most of my friends are not married or live in shared households - and also (and luckily so), I don't know any real examples. I hope that means is because it's not there (although that's statistically unlikely). 

    However, I see too much emotional relationship abuse. I am not talking about casual dating here where it's like 'oh, he didn't text me back' or even a genuine heartbreak. I mean when the purpose is abuse. The man gains control over the women by any means possible - this includes the women being humiliated, emotionally blackmailed, manipulated, ignored and essentially broken down. I really hate this one, because it is invisible. It also takes strong, independent women and leaves them doubting themselves; without any cause at all. That truly breaks my heart. 

Groping: 
This one is too common as well. This happens on trains, at work, in bars, basically in all walks of life. This instituts a sexual harassement. It is not acceptable. Any touching without permission is just not on. No. No. 

Office chatter: 
This one is a sneaky one as well. This is when you are in a group of men and they speak about women like they are objects or conquests. You hear this one all the time. It's when men refer to women as 'birds' or other more degrading terms. This talk is taken to the bar scene where women are seen as targets, to prove the men's social status amongst his peers: as if they are a valuable (and in most cases, extremely disposable) possessions. 

    I know a lot of men, so I witness this one all the time. Sometimes men even seem to kind of forget that if I wasn't sitting with them, they'd probably be talking about me just as nicely. Even every now and then I get the 'oh c'mon, don't be such a prude' look. I have even seen men show pictures of their former partners to their friends, as if to prove how much of a man they are. 

Strangers in a bar: 
This one is a tricky one. Even as I am writing this I feel like, 'oh c'mon - if you are going to a bar, honestly, what do you expect?'. However, this bothers me. Why should I expect this? Why should I expect, if I share a drink with my girl(s) at a bar, there to be a line of sleazebags approaching us with questionable motives - and each comment a little more degrading than the last. And if the reaction is negative, it's the girl's fault? Word. 

    I know for a fact men would find this unacceptable if this was their everyday reality as I frequently hear (straight) men being uncomfortable going to gay-bars and feeling objectified and constantly targeted (sure, it's flattering for a little while; but it gets real old, real fast). At the same time, many women enjoy going to gay-bars to let their hair down in peace. 

Shouts on the streets: 
This behaviour is even reflected in the shouts from the people we pass by everyday. Common ones are: 'hey beautiful', 'hey babe', 'can I see your (insert slang words for breasts here)', 'why you in such a hurry babe', 'come, talk to me'... Oh god, I could go on forever. Specially in a city like London, this is so frequent you don't even register it anymore. 

    This one actually always kind of makes me wonder what their objective is. Are they seriously expecting the woman to suddenly turn around and engage with what they just said. If that is not the objective, then this is simply pure harassement that serves no purpose. Great. 


Alright, there is a number of other ones but I think you get the picture. Any communication that could constitute a healthy relationship between consenting adults is not the subject here. I am talking violence against women. As Dr Katz describes, this is a matter concerning everybody. 

The worst thing is, I am guilty of blaming my girlfriends (or even myself) for encouraging this behaviour: why would you wear that/go there if that's not the attention you're after; why do you enable this behaviour in your man; why don't you stand up to this, etc. Dr Katz calls this victim-blaming which is a thoroughly unproductive activity. Blaming the victim for a crime that is committed against them is pretty idiotic once you think about it like that. 

Dr Jackson Katz calls out to men to speak up and he thanks the women that already do. This is a problem in our society. He really touched a nerve with me, as recently I have been witnessing these things first hand. And I am quite outspoken, and I didn't even want to say anything. Dr Katz is right, if we don't speak up about it: we are the enablers. 

This post is by no means saying that this is true for all men, that I hate men or that all men deserve to be crucified. No. That is not the purpose of this post. I am not saying that women and men shouldn't meet in bars, or that every man is a creep. The purpose is to not stay quiet on what I witness. It is to publicly announce that this behaviour is unacceptable. Also to women, I see it. And I experience it too. And I hate it. And this is not acceptable. 

This is extremely easy to discuss and agree with. Once you are in the situation it isn't anymore. Each of these above is worse than the other, even not including the criminal ones. Can you really stand up to a group of men you work with? Or the man you love? It is a problem in the society that everyone needs to get onboard with to change. This should not be tolerated. Not by anyone. Women should stand up to this, but probably even more so - men should stand up to this.  

Men that care about me, tend to get protective towards me where this behaviour is common. I believe that it is because they are fully aware of what is socially acceptable and don't want me to be the subject of that. To those, I say thank you. I really appreciate that, as I need all the support available. 

I know Dr Jonathan Katz is particularly addressing powerful men to spread the word: but I felt I couldn't keep this to myself any longer. If you are a man, I hope you are fighting the good fight with us. If you are a women, same thing. Also, if you find yourself being a victim of any of these crimes: please speak up. We can't afford for it to be silenced.

All my love,