Definitions

I remember when I was a little girl, my dad told me that you cannot describe (or define) an object, using the word you are defining within said definition. 

The example he used was: imagine you are trying to explain to someone that has never seen a ball, what a ball is. 
Saying "it is like a ball" simply wouldn't suffice. 

Message received. 

Then I thought people who make their living defining things (ooh, I don't know - maybe the people who write the dictionary) would know this. 

Turns out they don't. 

Okay. I am frequently complimented on my English, because let's face it - it's pretty fucking good, and it is not my first language. I think one of the reasons I got so fluent is that I have never been embarrassed about what I don't know. I ask in conversation 'what does that mean?', or less frequently 'how do you pronounce that?'. More often I simply GOOGLE IT. (I know, you didn't see that one coming, did you?). 

Today, the word I stumbled upon was overzealous. Hmm, I thought. I think I know what that means, but I'm not sure. Let us google that to make sure I've got it right. 

overzealous

əʊvəˈzɛləs/

adjective

1. 1.

   too zealous in one's attitude or behaviour.

   "he's been overzealous in handing out parking tickets"

I don't know about you lot, but the 'over' bit in overzealous wasn't what was tripping me up. 

zealous

ˈzɛləs/

adjective

1. 1.

   having or showing zeal.

   "the council was extremely zealous in the application of the regulations"

   synonyms:

   fervent, ardent, fervid, fiery, passionate, impassioned, devout,devoted; More

Seriously? Even the synonyms aren't very helpful. 

zeal

ziːl/

noun

1. 1.

   great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or an objective.

   "his zeal for privatization"

   synonyms:

   passion, zealousness, committedness, ardour, love, fervour, fire,avidity, fondness, devotion, devotedness, enthusiasm, eagerness,keenness, appetite, taste, relish, gusto; More

FINALLY. 

Okay, dictionary people. I don't know if this is something you are aware of, but some people may find it kind of embarrassing to not know something. As discussed, I am not one of those people. Nonetheless...

Way to go, to make me do it - not once, not twice but THREE times. I'm pretty sure that is the definition of condescension. 

Why living in a big city is hard

For anyone that reads this and needs some background: next month will be my four year anniversary of living in London.  

I like comparing living in London to being in a very stormy relationship. When it's good, it is the most amazing thing ever. You have the best of art and culture at your fingertips. You meet highly motivated and driven individuals who inspire and amaze you. There is never a dull moment, unless you want it to be. And I just found out, I live in the same neighbourhood as Harry Styles. That's right. 

But the downs, are not like a bad day. It's like in-your-face aggressive, like being pushed under water and then just held there, for just a second longer than you thought you could take. The people you rely on, suddenly you can't rely on anymore. Maybe it's because they move away, or you just kind of drift apart. Your expenses are really high, so you have to be very careful with all your money, all the time. And when I say, all the time, I mean all the time.

Things you never had to consider, are now a part of your daily routine. I never used to worry about my things getting stolen, whether I should spend my last three pounds on noodles or getting to work tomorrow; and not having your loved ones there, just right there. All the time.   

Then there is the added pressure, of always having to justify why am I here? I consider myself extremely fortune, as my immediate family counts ten people. That's my immediate family. I have a good relationship with every single one of them. Which makes me even more fortunate. I also have different groups of friends, that are all wonderful in different ways. I have friends that have known me, and somehow still love me through all of my awesome life phases: the nerd me, the emo me, the paris-hilton lookalike me, the lost me and finally the me that left and hasn't come back.

None of these relationships are something you can just find around the corner when you live in a big city. It's very easy to meet people, but it's hard to maintain relationships and even harder to get to the stage where you really care about someone. And then when you finally do, they move to the other side of the world. Or even worse, you just kind of fall out. Because you don't 'naturally' hang out in the same circles, you may never see them again. Or you might, but it's awkward. Because you have no reason to be friends, but you used to be really close. It's tricky. 

Then there is also a certain degree of 'disposability'. Everything in London is accessible, all the time (except the tube at night). You get used to not having to really care, so this starts to affect your relationships as well. This is not (only) in terms of actual relationships, but also just your relationships with the people you work with or meet along the way. And because living in London is hard to begin with, it tends to attract people with a certain kind of mindset. It's normally people that are driven, motivated and are striving for something. This also can describe a 'selfish' person. 

So people become disposable to each other as well. Mainly because all of the above becomes hard after a few times, so you are less inclined. Because you know when you do get invested in a job, or a friend; the cycle is faster. It's quicker, you're deeper in and it's over sooner than you expected. 

This can result in a certain fear of becoming close to begin with: how you approach newer relationships. Again, this doesn't (necessarily) mean typical relationships, but also your relationship with the workplace, locations and also other people. You become increasingly aware, that what ever your job is, there are hundreds of others that can do the same job as you. Just as well. For less. But it also works the other way around. While it sure is tricky getting a job in London, that's not for a lack of available work places. There are plenty of places that are hiring. 

So the balance between: am I being selfish and having unrealistic expectations - or being taken advantage of; is hard to find. It is a thin line. Very thin. 

For me personally, I have time and time again realised I'm being a little bit too naive which can be truly heartbreaking. It makes you feel stupid, and a little bit used. But you are so close to the other side, which I think in some cases is worse. You are the one not treating other people, or places, or situations with the respect that it deserves. It's a little bit like, do you want to be the a**hole, or the one d**ked around by a**holes. 

But then again, it's so rewarding. It's all very confusing. I love the fact that I came here with nothing. I had no contacts and no network. And the longer you've been here, the more of an accomplishment it feels like. Specially after witnessing a lot of people leave. Some because they always intended to but others out of mere exhaustion. People you think highly of, so you know it's hard. Most of the decisions you make, are for some idealistic vision of delayed gratification. Although I highly recommend, doing the fun version of that. 

I have loved every single phase of my life in London, because it's the only way to handle it. Because it's hard, and there are no hand outs. If you don't love being here, why would you? You can do something that you don't love in a lot less expensive place. It's weird how you can see people's respect for you is growing, but in the back of my mind, I wonder at what cost. Have I started treating people differently? Probably. 

Living in London is a testament to endurance. And the weird thing is, you don't really know what you're training for. It's then when you realise, my life could be a lot easier. I could live very comfortably a stone throw's away from where I grew up. So why am I here? 

I watched a Larry Smith's TED show (linked) about why you'll never have a great career. It's because you don't take the chance. You don't bet on yourself. According to him, it's because the line between a genius and being 'weird' is so thin. Basically all geniuses are weird, but you can be weird without being a genius. Being passionate and committed to something, doesn't make you a genius, but it definitely causes some looks (read: people think you are weird). 

This is the response I get a lot. People ask me, when I'm moving back home. I could have a very comfortable life, right now. Like, now. As in now. Why did I work a very hard job when I was twenty for 200 pounds a week, which is not really enough to live in London? Why did I do a degree, that no one understands what entails? Why have I worked so many unpaid positions, it's not even worth it for me to put it on my CV anymore? 

None of these decisions granted me with the greatest instant gratification available to me at each time, and sometimes I questioned if I would ever benefit. I had a pretty good time, don't get me wrong. But the money was never good, I have lived in some shocking housing, I haven't gone shopping for clothes for so long I'm literally at a stage where nothing I own is wearable any more. It's old, ill fitting and just so out of style.

At any one point, I could have made the decision to not do as many internships. Get a part-time job that pays better. Live further away from the city. Or, just not live in London at all. 

But when my children (which I don't have, and relax, are not on the way) tell me one day they want to be magicians, I want to be able to say: go for it kid. 

An Open Letter to YouTube

Dear YouTube, 

I am realising how seriously addicted I am to you. When I'm home, you are just always with me. You have overtaken both facebook and twitter for me. That says a lot. 

Right now you are playing music for me on my iPad. Then every now and then, I turn you off on my iPad so I can watch a video (that's not music) on my laptop. Then I turn you off again on my laptop, only to turn you on again on my iPad to keep listening to music.

So what am I watching? 

In the mornings when I get ready and have breakfast, I like light-hearted comedy type of material. Go tos are the Ellen Show (because yes, I like it), DailyGrace (because she is my spirit animal), Tyler Oakley (because sometimes you just need your dose of flamboyance) or even the Vlogbrothers (because sometimes I like to start my day by thinking about things). 

While I'm working, just what ever music I like tends to be on (obviously). Right now I'm loving some bizarre mixture of the old music I normally listen to and old poppy chart music that is old enough not to be current but not old enough to be like 'flashback'. I am so not cool. I'm sorry to disappoint. I'll be more on trend in the colder months, because then I'll care (probably not). 

In the evenings I like to turn off my brain by watching TV shows that can be found within your layers of content. Say Yes to the Dress and What Not To Wear are great to make you feel BEAUTIFUL. Otherwise I like finding interesting shows, BBC programs and documentaries for example. If it gets late I'll find myself watching Jerry Seinfeld, Louis C.K. or Ricky Gervais stand ups. Because it's funny.  

I haven't even touched on all the make up girls that have taught me how to curl my hair with a straightener, do my make up and take care of myself. They are assumed. Duh. 

YouTube, thanks for keeping me educated and entertained. Couldn't ask for more. 




End note: Links to worthwhile videos are in the names, because embedding them all makes the site really slow and this post really long. This Jerry Seinfeld video is so good though I had to include it. I think I've watched it 2-3 times a day for the last week or so. If you like my taste in videos, here is a link to a playlist of the mentioned ones. 

Wawowawowee

You guys, although I don't want to minimise the impact of the last couple of posts, there is more to me than just talking about these very heavy things. I didn't want to initially post them right after one another, because it just makes it all very intense, but I had the last one ready on my computer and because of the Slut Walk I found it appropriate to post it. Clearly this is hitting a nerve with you people, because I didn't promote the last post at all and it still got about 1200 page views. To me, that is just crazy. Thanks for the very, very positive and encouraging feedback. 

MOVING ON. This post is about London, if you don't know the city and don't have any intention of ever going there, I estimate your interest in this post to be exactly zero. 

So, currently I have this crazy resource I'm not used to having: time. For the first time in my life, I have time on my hands. This is very new to me, and I'm not sure I like it. Maybe it's because I don't like partying as much as I used to, but I think it might have more to do with the fact that I am not working at the moment. I cannot justify to myself to just 'waste' my time, so I try to keep proactive.

An activity I have always enjoyed, is 'getting lost' in the city. What that means is walking from A to B, without checking my phone for directions. To me it's very easy to know the different 'islands', if you like, in the city (the area around a certain tube station or POI) but the in-between areas are often kind of forgotten. Sometimes for a good reason, mainly if they are very residential but sometimes you can stumble upon some treasures. So for this summer, I've done from Maida Vale to Hampstead, Stoke Newington to the Barbican and lastly from Pimlico to Museum of London. If that doesn't hold any meaning to you, it's probably about 5k each (3 miles or an hours walk at a steady pace). 

Last week I had an appointment in Pimlico that was finished by noon. I found myself with not much to do, and not overly excited to go home as I am currently suffering from major cabin fever. I decided to go to the only POI nearby, Tate Britain (there is also an art gallery very close by called Chelsea Space, but I came from the wrong way and it was raining, so I didn't bother). By the way, this is very quickly turning into a review of culture spots in London. 

I have been to Tate Britain a few times, and I cannot say I'm its biggest fan. Maybe because I'm not British, or I tend to like a bit more contemporary pieces, either way, not its biggest fan. And in the summer with all the tourists; I was in and out of there in ten minutes. I don't know how to say this without sounding super pretentious, but I think art can literally have the impact on you to bring you to another level, where you forget all about your day-to-day concerns. You know when you go to an amazing gig or show and you walk out of there all bouncy and finding your car in the parking space suddenly becomes very surreal? That's what I mean. Personally, with art work or visual art pieces they have to be excellent to get me that 'high' if you like, and I need piece and quiet to enjoy them. So, not a tourist trodden spot like Tate Britain in the summer. 

Quickly, can I just? Thanks. Tourists! I swear they leave their brains at home. Even the ones that don't dress like complete weirdos, they still just move slowly and just look baffled by everything, no honestly, their eyes just look a little dead, and they have no sense of their surroundings. Not a fan. 

Anyway, I got out of there very quickly and although I was not even close to being inspired or captivated by anything, at least I was inspired to go and find some good quality cultural things. So I kept walking along the North Bank all the way into Waterloo. There I went to the Hayward Gallery, one of the flagship galleries in London.  Tickets to go in were like 10 pounds and I didn't even know what was on, so I didn't bother. But I wasn't overly impressed with the feel and the branding of the gallery, and the shop was very dull in my opinion. It felt like they were trying to reach some unidentified 'quirky' audience of some sort as opposed to just having a strong sense of identity. 

Moving on, BFI (British Film Institute) is right next door. And I was so impressed! What a beautiful space. I've obviously heard of the BFI as such, but I never knew they were open to the public in the way that they are. They have three rooms for screenings you can just wonder into, with very luxurious seats. Their library is small and very specific to the film industry, but of very good quality. Without this becoming too lengthy, just trust me - it's very intriguing. I could literally spend an entire day in there. It doesn't hurt that it is on the South Bank, so you can enjoy your lunch by the river.   

By this point, I was definitely on the right track of finding places that challenged and engaged me. I decided to walk further into Waterloo, and there is a lot more to it than you might think. My favourite was this little bookshop (which I found out later is apparently all over the city) called Book Warehouse. The thought that literally kept coming up in my mind was 'oh cool, it's a little bit like the Internet, before the Internet'. They had all these cool pictures of just complete randomness, and some books teaching you how to do anything from knitting to some very questionable advice on men/women communication. Very internet-y.

Then I crossed the road and went to a gallery called Not The Royal Academy. I was kind of lucky I suppose, because I looked all proper in my outfit for my appointment so they must have thought I was a lot more posh than I am. Basically it was all the paintings that didn't make it to the prestigious Summer Exhibition at the Royal Academy. They had so many paintings which you could buy on the spot and take home with you then and there, no red dots! Then they would just put new pieces up, and then every fortnight I believe, they rotate the entire space. It is literally tiny, but there is so much there. I believe I spent about 45 minutes in there. The pieces that really stood out to me were by Tina Morgan and Steven Outram. 

Next I decided to swing by at the Tate Modern, which was so thoroughly unpleasant as it was completely packed I left immediately. By this point it wasn't raining anymore, so there were people enjoying the beach (I know right, THE BEACH) by the Thames, and fully enjoying it. They were lying on towels, making sand sculptures, the whole thing! I really love walking along the river, and I love St Paul's and that entire area. St Paul's may be one of my favourite buildings in London and then Postman's Park is right around the corner, which I obviously had to visit. 

For anyone that hasn't been there, it is this tiniest little park by St Paul's. It has a wall to commemorate individuals that sacrificed their lives to save someone else's. If you can read through those without getting goosebumps, you have no soul. It is so touching it literally gives you shivers. Some are even children, it is just heartbreakingly beautiful.

Then I decided to go to Museum of London, which I have to say just raised the bar. They had three exhibitions all about (shockingly) London, but each covered different era. My favourite was the one for the last 150 years, but the other ones covered London in Roman and Prehistoric times. The one of our times was just so beautiful, and executed brilliantly. It included a timeline through the exhibition of iconic events, lots of artifacts from the different decades and incorporated projectors and interactive screens throughout. I had very limited time in there, because they were just closing, so I need to go again. One of my favourite rooms was from WWII, which was just a simple black room that projected all these images of the bombs and the ruins from the Luftwaffe and they even an actual bomb. It is so shocking how recently all these terrible things happened! 

Oh, and being on the subject on war memorials (there are so many!) the Battle of Britain one on the North Bank literally gave me chills. Like through and through chills. 

Anyway, I think that's enough - sorry if you people prefer my serious, more sociological posts, but I just wanted to share this lovely day I had with you. 

Dedicated to the brave girls of Reykjavik's Slut Walk

I just spoke to my good friend, David. This is his story: 

I woke up, a little hung over. Hang on, where am I? Oh god, last night, it’s all coming back to me now. Shit, I slept with that girl last night didn’t I? I better not tell anyone, people might start to talk about how promiscuous I’ve been lately. Regardless, gotta go meet the boys for lunch, better look sharp so they don’t think less of me. Run home, get changed. I jump on the bus, which by the way takes for ever, and have a look at the internet. Disrespectful posts and remarks on facebook about my gender. I mean, they’re funny, right? Not enough to really do anything about it, just enough to bother me, just a little bit. Walks from the bus to the restaurant and gets shouted at by a random “hey you, looking good”. The harassment doesn’t even register, that’s how frequently similar remarks occur. 

Finally, bro-time. Mark tells them how after a night of casual fun, he has had to have a 800 pound surgery to not become a prematurely parent. Obviously he didn’t want to bother the girl with those concerns, because she would completely shut him out. Still, 6 months later when he finally told us about it, he is still depressed, nervous and the experience has completely damaged sex for him. Maybe sex not so much, but the paranoia that follows is not worth the activity. Even with double protection. God, how he hated that bitch when he eventually told her about it, who was so relieved she didn’t have to do anything about it, she couldn’t wipe the gloat of her face.

Since the topic got so serious, Dylan decided to tell us that he was actually raped once. It was a while ago, and he was going to crash at this girl’s house. He fell asleep and suddenly realised she was having sex with him. He completely froze and couldn’t move and just waited for her to be finished. Then he ran out of there, spent his last money on a taxi and didn’t talk to anyone for a week. He knew there was no point reporting it, because I mean, how could he explain being at her house anyway? We all know, being at someone’s house equals permission for sex. I don’t have to spell it out to you, do I?

Frank started sharing a story how he was in a similar circumstance once. What the fuck, I thought to myself. Out of 5 bros, 3 of them have had some serious shit going on. And that’s the ones talking, who knows about the other ones? Frank had just recently become a part of the group. Turns out the reason he moved to our city was because he had been the victim in a rape trial he told us just then. His case was you know, pretty solid he thought. The girl sounded like a complete douche, exploiting his naivety. It was made blatantly clear in the trial. Still she was found not guilty. I mean, the jury didn’t want to ruin her reputation, right? I mean she is doing biochemistry at Cambridge. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I had to pause so many times writing this, out of how ridiculous it sounds. The reason I don’t like SciFi is because I’m always like, comm’on. Isn’t this a bit too much of a stretch? I prefer police-drama because at least then I’m like, oh yeah, that could potentially happen. But writing this feels more like a SciFi. I’m literally stretching the furthest corners of my imagination. I just cannot imagine these scenarios. At all.***

Yet, all of these are reality. Reality my girlfriends have lived through. As a part of their everyday lives, on top of everything you do on a day to day basis, this comes on top. I’m not talking about men and women being playful/flirtatious any of that. 

This post is ridiculous isn’t it? I bet some of you laughed, some of you just thought I had gone mad and others simply just didn’t get it. The truth in this is, this is the reality of today. The reality girls and women deal with everyday, and somehow is just something they have to deal with. Obviously talking about it just drives everyone crazy, because who wants to listen to those bitches whine all the time, I mean really? 

The idea was to flip a reality, which in all honesty, every single story shared here is from a friend. My friend. Not a friend of a friend, not something I read on a blog or saw on TV. I have, first hand, heard every one of those stories. My girlfriends, crying, telling me this. Someone might go, well, you’re the one deciding to live in the crazy, crimeville of a metropolitan city called London. These stories are not just my London friends. If there is one girl, reading this and cannot relate to any of the above I would be shocked, yet relieved and extremely happy. At least there is one. Why is this our reality? Oh, sorry, I’m too busy making you a freaking sandwich to have time to do anything about it. 

I am pretty certain, I’m speaking for most of us when I say: please stop sexually assaulting us. It is the “hey babe” on the streets. It is inappropriate remarks in a professional setting. And it is rape. It’s all of it. Next time you say or do any of those things imagine the person you hate constantly bothering you. 

Sorry, I know this is a pretty dark post, but I have started to (mentally) collect stories. Stories from girls. And it is horrible. And way more common than you think. Way. More. Common. 

Let’s take rape for example. I know a few girls that have done the right thing (well done girls!) and taken it to court. All the way. Some of them were children at the time. In all cases the men were found not guilty. Because there was doubt. It could have happened, but the jury wasn’t completely sure. The core of our justice system, right? 

So the message we are sending little girls, and society, is if you are a victim of a crime, report it and do everything right. Well, surely you sound convincing, but how can we be completely sure? You could be lying. We don’t want to ruin this charming men's career, would we? Is that what you want? Do you want to sacrifice this man’s career? No darling, sorry honey, you must be lying. 

So on top of being a victim, suddenly you are a lier too. Oh, and if you have the horrible misfortune of the same crime happening to you, again (let’s hope not). Well, you can forget it. You have already proven to be an unreliable witness. 

Because a child has sufficient understanding of the concept of rape to lie about this. Because adult women enjoy going through the ordeal of a rape trial just to lie about a horrible crime to ruin someone’s career. I know there are examples of this (thanks a lot to those, for making it a lot harder for the rest of us), but does that honestly justify almost 90% not guilty rate? Because 9 out of 10 girls that go through the traumatic experience of reliving every moment of the initial horrific experience must be lying. Through their teeth. Poor little rapists. Lying little girls everywhere, making their lives a little more inconvenient. 

If you are a man imagine: 

Walking down the street getting harassed. 

Your boss. 

Your coworkers. 

Your friends’ partners. 

Dinner parties. 

Any social setting. 

You are so used to being harassed a little, you completely blow it off. It’s never anything serious, right? It’s just a little harmless flirting, isn’t it? Normally it’s not really enough to make anything of it, right? You don’t want to be that girl, do you? No. Just accept the fact that all men, in all scenarios can harass you if they fancy. I mean, it’s just some harmless fun, right? We were asking for it, right? I mean why else would we be wearing that dress, right? 

Oh and sorry, did I forget to say? I’m obviously the slut. Inconsiderably placing myself in a situation where there is a man making a perverted remark. How dare I? 

***I know it happens to men too, this is just a dramatisation to make a point. Please don't kill me.

Violence against women

TED Talk by Dr Jackson Katz: Violence against women (from men's perspective)

Those in my closest circles know that recently a lot has been going on around me. I didn't want to address it in a blogpost, because I found it too personal. However Dr Jackson Katz has inspired me to speak up. It is about violence against women. And how once you start noticing it, it is everywhere. This begs the question, why is this behaviour acceptable? When the things listed below are brought up amongst my girlfriends, they can all relate. Every single one of them. This is a part of our reality. The message we normally receive is: get on with it. The message is not to men: you sir, are violent. 

There are the big crimes that go to court and the media circus ones. But it is also on a much more everyday level. It is truly remarkable, how everyday it is. I wonder, if men would experience this on a everyday basis if the problem would be so widespread. If they would live a single day experiencing what normal women don't even register anymore if things would be different. 

This subject is so big, I don't quite know where to begin. Let's break it down, one by one and start with the big ones. 


Rape:
The best example of this, is the widely recognised Stuebenville High School Rape Trial. If you have been living under a rock: two football players sexually assaulted a girl and were convicted of rape. It is obviously good that they were convicted, but what bothered me was the buzz about "the footballers' lives being ruined - you know they were on a scholarship, right?". Let's just drop a cliché on this one: If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. 

    I have recently been personally involved with a similar case. There it was the same story. Had the man been convicted, "you know, he'd be going to prison for five years, I mean, he is doing quite well for himself and that would just completely ruin his career". WTF?? Honestly? If you are not prepared to go to prison for this crime, maybe control yourself. Maybe. Try. Also, in preparation for this personal experience I started asking around, seeing if I could prepare myself from girls that had gone through a similar experience. 

    Every single case or scenario I found, same story. Man was not convicted; and a certain outrage towards the victim for accusing these 'good men' of such an heinous crime. I mean, look at them? These outstanding men would never do something like that? Oh, so you are a child or a young vulnerable adult, clearly at a disadvantage and going through the most HORRIBLE experience I have witnessed and can imagine. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. Yes, little child that has been a victim of a horrible crime going through court. You are clearly LYING. 
(I realise that such situations can arise, and the core of our justice system is innocent until proven guilty but in my opinion general mentality towards this subject is skewed, oh so skewed). 

Prejudice agains abortion: 
I only have one sentence to say about this: If it's not you, you can't judge. I have friends (yes, more than one) that have gone through this awful experience. This is the biggest taboo subject I can think of. Slight mention of the topic gets people more worked up than any religious or race issues. This again, is one of these things - once you hear about one, you start hearing stories from more and more women. 

   I am not going to say anything about this, other then: if it's not you, you can't judge. No one I have ever heard of, takes this lightly. This is a very serious act that involves people's deepest beliefs and involves a forever responsibility of other people's lives. Either way, lives have been changed permanently. So if it's not you, you can't judge. 

    And by all means, don't pass judgements based on someone that has or hasn't had an abortion. Hostility or prejudice on this matter is abuse, and it is abuse against women. Have you heard anyone judge a man who impregnated someone who had an abortion. Seriously? Was the hostility towards the man? Well, I haven't. So this qualifies (too) easily as violence against women. 

Relationship Abuse: 
The way I have seen this, is very one-way (I know it exists both ways though). A man that treats the woman he supposedly loves more than anything else, badly. I purposely didn't make the title of this domestic violence. Mainly because most of my friends are not married or live in shared households - and also (and luckily so), I don't know any real examples. I hope that means is because it's not there (although that's statistically unlikely). 

    However, I see too much emotional relationship abuse. I am not talking about casual dating here where it's like 'oh, he didn't text me back' or even a genuine heartbreak. I mean when the purpose is abuse. The man gains control over the women by any means possible - this includes the women being humiliated, emotionally blackmailed, manipulated, ignored and essentially broken down. I really hate this one, because it is invisible. It also takes strong, independent women and leaves them doubting themselves; without any cause at all. That truly breaks my heart. 

Groping: 
This one is too common as well. This happens on trains, at work, in bars, basically in all walks of life. This instituts a sexual harassement. It is not acceptable. Any touching without permission is just not on. No. No. 

Office chatter: 
This one is a sneaky one as well. This is when you are in a group of men and they speak about women like they are objects or conquests. You hear this one all the time. It's when men refer to women as 'birds' or other more degrading terms. This talk is taken to the bar scene where women are seen as targets, to prove the men's social status amongst his peers: as if they are a valuable (and in most cases, extremely disposable) possessions. 

    I know a lot of men, so I witness this one all the time. Sometimes men even seem to kind of forget that if I wasn't sitting with them, they'd probably be talking about me just as nicely. Even every now and then I get the 'oh c'mon, don't be such a prude' look. I have even seen men show pictures of their former partners to their friends, as if to prove how much of a man they are. 

Strangers in a bar: 
This one is a tricky one. Even as I am writing this I feel like, 'oh c'mon - if you are going to a bar, honestly, what do you expect?'. However, this bothers me. Why should I expect this? Why should I expect, if I share a drink with my girl(s) at a bar, there to be a line of sleazebags approaching us with questionable motives - and each comment a little more degrading than the last. And if the reaction is negative, it's the girl's fault? Word. 

    I know for a fact men would find this unacceptable if this was their everyday reality as I frequently hear (straight) men being uncomfortable going to gay-bars and feeling objectified and constantly targeted (sure, it's flattering for a little while; but it gets real old, real fast). At the same time, many women enjoy going to gay-bars to let their hair down in peace. 

Shouts on the streets: 
This behaviour is even reflected in the shouts from the people we pass by everyday. Common ones are: 'hey beautiful', 'hey babe', 'can I see your (insert slang words for breasts here)', 'why you in such a hurry babe', 'come, talk to me'... Oh god, I could go on forever. Specially in a city like London, this is so frequent you don't even register it anymore. 

    This one actually always kind of makes me wonder what their objective is. Are they seriously expecting the woman to suddenly turn around and engage with what they just said. If that is not the objective, then this is simply pure harassement that serves no purpose. Great. 


Alright, there is a number of other ones but I think you get the picture. Any communication that could constitute a healthy relationship between consenting adults is not the subject here. I am talking violence against women. As Dr Katz describes, this is a matter concerning everybody. 

The worst thing is, I am guilty of blaming my girlfriends (or even myself) for encouraging this behaviour: why would you wear that/go there if that's not the attention you're after; why do you enable this behaviour in your man; why don't you stand up to this, etc. Dr Katz calls this victim-blaming which is a thoroughly unproductive activity. Blaming the victim for a crime that is committed against them is pretty idiotic once you think about it like that. 

Dr Jackson Katz calls out to men to speak up and he thanks the women that already do. This is a problem in our society. He really touched a nerve with me, as recently I have been witnessing these things first hand. And I am quite outspoken, and I didn't even want to say anything. Dr Katz is right, if we don't speak up about it: we are the enablers. 

This post is by no means saying that this is true for all men, that I hate men or that all men deserve to be crucified. No. That is not the purpose of this post. I am not saying that women and men shouldn't meet in bars, or that every man is a creep. The purpose is to not stay quiet on what I witness. It is to publicly announce that this behaviour is unacceptable. Also to women, I see it. And I experience it too. And I hate it. And this is not acceptable. 

This is extremely easy to discuss and agree with. Once you are in the situation it isn't anymore. Each of these above is worse than the other, even not including the criminal ones. Can you really stand up to a group of men you work with? Or the man you love? It is a problem in the society that everyone needs to get onboard with to change. This should not be tolerated. Not by anyone. Women should stand up to this, but probably even more so - men should stand up to this.  

Men that care about me, tend to get protective towards me where this behaviour is common. I believe that it is because they are fully aware of what is socially acceptable and don't want me to be the subject of that. To those, I say thank you. I really appreciate that, as I need all the support available. 

I know Dr Jonathan Katz is particularly addressing powerful men to spread the word: but I felt I couldn't keep this to myself any longer. If you are a man, I hope you are fighting the good fight with us. If you are a women, same thing. Also, if you find yourself being a victim of any of these crimes: please speak up. We can't afford for it to be silenced.

All my love,

PEST Analysis of Social Media

I want to begin by saying THANK YOU for the incredible feedback from the last post. It is what happens when I cannot fall asleep + a whole day of editing. It received over 500 views in the first few hours (for my very inactive blog is a lot), I had people calling me and talking to me about it in person. The personal messages I received, thanking me for bringing up the subject brought me to tears. Thank you all!

Something entirely different: 

I've been reading and writing a lot about social media, and its value in marketing. I just find it super interesting, and can't wait to start putting it to use professionally. I'm writing an essay now, where I decided to explain its value in a PEST analysis (google it). I don't even know if it's appropriate for a phenomenon as apposed to a business or an organisation. Well, too late now I suppose. 

I came up with this bad boy. What do you think? Am I missing something, completely in the wrong or getting there? As always, I would love to hear your thoughts, opinions, suggestions, comments or recommendations.*

Political factors: - Marketing is changing from assuming attention from the consumer to a ‘bottom-up’ marketing, leveraging the communication already taking place on online platforms (Hanna, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - Social media creates engagement while traditional marketing strategies provide reach. The importance of each complimenting the other cannot be stretched enough. One cannot replace the other (Hanna, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - Not a means of increasing sales directly, its value is enhances brand’s equity (CRM Management Editors, 2010)

Economical factors: - Does not require elaborate budget (Hanna, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - Social media provides both the platform for regular content (free of charge) and ‘featured’ content, where businesses pay for their message to appear on networks of a chosen audience, generally based on demographic or location (Hanna, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - Strong presence on social network sites does not translate directly to sales of goods or services. The value of social media is not direct profit (CRM Management Editors, 2010)

Sociological factors: - The importance for corporations to be active on social media is widely recognised (Hannah, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - Social media has revolutionised marketing: consumers are no longer passive but engaged and even influential  (Hannah, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - Facebook is the most visited website in the world. Other social networks, LinkedIn, Twitter, Blogger, Flickr and WordPress follow suit (Alexa - the web information website, 2013)

Technological factors: - Social media technology and the platforms it provides for potential marketing influence is radically increasing. They include all social media, text messages, videos, blogs, wikis, forums and more.   (Hanna, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011) - The importance of mobile devices and tablets cannot be overlooked, as the increased means of reaching the aforementioned platforms. This particularly applies in a location based communication between the consumer and businesses  (Hanna, Rohm and Crittenden, 2011)

A point I find interesting: it has to be specially noted that social media presence does not equal sales. Marketing has never equalled sales (closely related and sometimes overlapping, yes, but not interchangeable). That's why there is marketing AND sales. Right? 

For those interested, the references I used are listed below. I highly recommend the bottom one, it is really good.

Best, 

Habbi

PS. If this is of value to anyone feel free to use it, referencing back to me would be appreciated. 

*My twitter handle is in the top left corner, comment section below and if we know each other personally you can PM me on facebook. 

Alexa - The Web Information Company [online]. (2013). Available from: <http://www.alexa.com/topsites>.

CRM Management Editors (2010). Strong social media presence does not translate to sales. Survey by ECHOVME [online]. Available from: <http://enterpriseinnovation.net/article/strong-social-media-presence-does-not-translate-sales>.

Hanna, R., Rohm, A. and Crittenden, V.L. (2011). We’re all connected: The power of the social media ecosystem.Business Horizon [online]. 54, p.265–273. Available from: <http://www.connectsmm.ca/Newsroom_files/Were all connected The power of the social media ecosystem.pdf>.