Why living in a big city is hard

For anyone that reads this and needs some background: next month will be my four year anniversary of living in London.  

I like comparing living in London to being in a very stormy relationship. When it's good, it is the most amazing thing ever. You have the best of art and culture at your fingertips. You meet highly motivated and driven individuals who inspire and amaze you. There is never a dull moment, unless you want it to be. And I just found out, I live in the same neighbourhood as Harry Styles. That's right. 

But the downs, are not like a bad day. It's like in-your-face aggressive, like being pushed under water and then just held there, for just a second longer than you thought you could take. The people you rely on, suddenly you can't rely on anymore. Maybe it's because they move away, or you just kind of drift apart. Your expenses are really high, so you have to be very careful with all your money, all the time. And when I say, all the time, I mean all the time.

Things you never had to consider, are now a part of your daily routine. I never used to worry about my things getting stolen, whether I should spend my last three pounds on noodles or getting to work tomorrow; and not having your loved ones there, just right there. All the time.   

Then there is the added pressure, of always having to justify why am I here? I consider myself extremely fortune, as my immediate family counts ten people. That's my immediate family. I have a good relationship with every single one of them. Which makes me even more fortunate. I also have different groups of friends, that are all wonderful in different ways. I have friends that have known me, and somehow still love me through all of my awesome life phases: the nerd me, the emo me, the paris-hilton lookalike me, the lost me and finally the me that left and hasn't come back.

None of these relationships are something you can just find around the corner when you live in a big city. It's very easy to meet people, but it's hard to maintain relationships and even harder to get to the stage where you really care about someone. And then when you finally do, they move to the other side of the world. Or even worse, you just kind of fall out. Because you don't 'naturally' hang out in the same circles, you may never see them again. Or you might, but it's awkward. Because you have no reason to be friends, but you used to be really close. It's tricky. 

Then there is also a certain degree of 'disposability'. Everything in London is accessible, all the time (except the tube at night). You get used to not having to really care, so this starts to affect your relationships as well. This is not (only) in terms of actual relationships, but also just your relationships with the people you work with or meet along the way. And because living in London is hard to begin with, it tends to attract people with a certain kind of mindset. It's normally people that are driven, motivated and are striving for something. This also can describe a 'selfish' person. 

So people become disposable to each other as well. Mainly because all of the above becomes hard after a few times, so you are less inclined. Because you know when you do get invested in a job, or a friend; the cycle is faster. It's quicker, you're deeper in and it's over sooner than you expected. 

This can result in a certain fear of becoming close to begin with: how you approach newer relationships. Again, this doesn't (necessarily) mean typical relationships, but also your relationship with the workplace, locations and also other people. You become increasingly aware, that what ever your job is, there are hundreds of others that can do the same job as you. Just as well. For less. But it also works the other way around. While it sure is tricky getting a job in London, that's not for a lack of available work places. There are plenty of places that are hiring. 

So the balance between: am I being selfish and having unrealistic expectations - or being taken advantage of; is hard to find. It is a thin line. Very thin. 

For me personally, I have time and time again realised I'm being a little bit too naive which can be truly heartbreaking. It makes you feel stupid, and a little bit used. But you are so close to the other side, which I think in some cases is worse. You are the one not treating other people, or places, or situations with the respect that it deserves. It's a little bit like, do you want to be the a**hole, or the one d**ked around by a**holes. 

But then again, it's so rewarding. It's all very confusing. I love the fact that I came here with nothing. I had no contacts and no network. And the longer you've been here, the more of an accomplishment it feels like. Specially after witnessing a lot of people leave. Some because they always intended to but others out of mere exhaustion. People you think highly of, so you know it's hard. Most of the decisions you make, are for some idealistic vision of delayed gratification. Although I highly recommend, doing the fun version of that. 

I have loved every single phase of my life in London, because it's the only way to handle it. Because it's hard, and there are no hand outs. If you don't love being here, why would you? You can do something that you don't love in a lot less expensive place. It's weird how you can see people's respect for you is growing, but in the back of my mind, I wonder at what cost. Have I started treating people differently? Probably. 

Living in London is a testament to endurance. And the weird thing is, you don't really know what you're training for. It's then when you realise, my life could be a lot easier. I could live very comfortably a stone throw's away from where I grew up. So why am I here? 

I watched a Larry Smith's TED show (linked) about why you'll never have a great career. It's because you don't take the chance. You don't bet on yourself. According to him, it's because the line between a genius and being 'weird' is so thin. Basically all geniuses are weird, but you can be weird without being a genius. Being passionate and committed to something, doesn't make you a genius, but it definitely causes some looks (read: people think you are weird). 

This is the response I get a lot. People ask me, when I'm moving back home. I could have a very comfortable life, right now. Like, now. As in now. Why did I work a very hard job when I was twenty for 200 pounds a week, which is not really enough to live in London? Why did I do a degree, that no one understands what entails? Why have I worked so many unpaid positions, it's not even worth it for me to put it on my CV anymore? 

None of these decisions granted me with the greatest instant gratification available to me at each time, and sometimes I questioned if I would ever benefit. I had a pretty good time, don't get me wrong. But the money was never good, I have lived in some shocking housing, I haven't gone shopping for clothes for so long I'm literally at a stage where nothing I own is wearable any more. It's old, ill fitting and just so out of style.

At any one point, I could have made the decision to not do as many internships. Get a part-time job that pays better. Live further away from the city. Or, just not live in London at all. 

But when my children (which I don't have, and relax, are not on the way) tell me one day they want to be magicians, I want to be able to say: go for it kid.